Tuesday, October 5, 2010

A New Edition

As I reflect on the past year it is easy to say that there have been many bumps, bruises, and much brokenness. If I were to look at a picture of who I was a year ago I would not even know that girl anymore due to an ultimate change. transformation--break-through.

My heart is ultimately broken in many ways. It is raw. It is healing.

Many changes, much needed self evaluation and reflection of who I was a year ago and who I am now are completely stunning. I am not one who talks about myself non-stop but sometimes it is healthy to examine ones own heart and situation.

Can I tell you that this year has been a year of utter pain, joy and questioning.

I was trapped in a world where one did not see true beauty and how to live LIFE and be who you are meant to be. There were so many restrictions, boundaries, rules rules rules. This isn't good enough, that isn't right. Be this. Be that.

Who the hell was I a year ago? I was miserable. blind. confined. I was molded into an image. I was bound by religion. When you are so wrapped up in some idea or way of thinking and pressed so hard down by what others need and want you to do it is simply hard to get out of. I remember dreaming of seeing millions of people falling into holes and me going to rescue them and i fall into it myself. I was in a hole. I could only rescue myself.

My eyes are now open. Doors are open. Some shut. People hurt by my decisions. Friends who I thought were my family said good-bye to me. Bitterness leaking in and the walls all coming down at once. How can someone so shattered become whole again and heal? God? Where are you by the way in all of this?

I still find myself questioning even more about spirituality and God. I curse his name and walk away. I am angry. Why was I so blind? When will the hurt end and when can I heal? I am bitter at the people who left my side when i needed them most.

I changed and people don't accept change that does not agree with their lifestyle.

I am walking into light now and my eyes are opening to more beauty and truth everyday of who I really am. Some may say I am moving into darkness. How can something be dark if I am the one lighting my path?

This is my break-through year. I am now a new edition to the old Alyssa. Either take me as I am or walk away.

Traveling. Risks. Sex. Awareness. Self Evaluation. Love. Reality. Discovery. Mystery.

Yes, I said, "S-E-X" and it is a whole new world to me. Take it or leave it. It is not taboo to me any longer. A woman's sexuality is a powerful thing if you let your guard down and embrace it. I never explored my body and valued all the things that I do now before. I can say it is liberating.

Coming into my own has made me realize that the season of sorrow has produced a new season of joy and exploration. Let's do this.

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